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Talking to family and friends

A cancer diagnosis impacts on you in many different ways. One thing which may surprise you is the way family and friends deal with the situation. You may find that people find it difficult to talk to you, or conversely that people become intrusive. You may feel that friends are ignoring you, or that they are being particularly intrusive. Below are a few suggestions to help you cope with the changes in your friends and family.

Taking up offers of help

Those close to you will want to help you. Often they will ask if there is anything they can do. It is important to them to be able to support you, and these offers are genuinely made. Think of practical things, such as a lift to appointments at hospital, collecting something from the shops or walking the dog. If there isn't anything they can do at that moment, use the opportunity to 'keep' the favour for another time, and also to share a little of what's going on. Its always a good idea to let people know that you welcome their offer, and even if you do not take them up on this occasion, say something like, "Is it OK if I ask in the future?" This will reassure them that they have done the right thing and that you welcome their support and will be seeking help when you feel you need it. Very often the offers of help are made in the absence of knowing what else they can do or say. Maybe it's an opportunity to have a good catch up, or to let them know how you are feeling.

Dealing with the feelings of others

Some people facing cancer find it difficult to talk to their families. Members often tell us that they don't want to cause loved ones any more distress. Being able to talk to someone is important, and if you feel that you would rather share your fears and feelings with someone else. Ovacome can help. As well as our support line nurses we have a nationwide telephone buddy system called Fone friends. Fone friends are volunteers who all have personal experience of ovarian cancer. They are not trained counsellors but are happy to listen and share their experiences. Please do call us on 0845 371 0554 and ask more about it.

Sometimes people will want to talk on a day when you are feeling especially distracted, disappointed or down. You may feel pigeonholed at an inconvenient moment. Maybe someone you hardly know stops you in the supermarket with all the details of a family member's experience of cancer. You really don't want to hear their story, but you know they are just trying to be nice or relate to you. How can you stop them politely? Sometimes you just have to take a couple of deep breaths and say calmly, "Thank you so much for your concern, but I need to focus on something else today." Remember, this is about you and your situation. You decide when you want to talk.

Sometimes those close to you may become angry too. Just as you are going through many different emotions, those around you may be going through the same kind of feelings. Most people will feel angry at some point, but try to keep in mind that family and friends are angry with the situation and not with you. The family dynamics may change for a while and everyone is going to have to adjust; not only their roles but also their expectations. It's a good idea to try to encourage people to continue the normal family routine as much as possible so that life changes are kept to a minimum. Many people with cancer report that friends behaviour can change. They may feel that they are avoiding them, or have stopped calling. This is understandably upsetting and perplexing. There may be many reasons why this is happening. It can certainly be confusing and upsetting, especially at a time when you are already dealing with cancer. Some people will feel strong enough to challenge this head on, confronting the person whilst others let it pass. If this is troubling you, maybe another person can intervene on you behalf, pointing out that this is how you are feeling and establishing why. The friend or family member may feel unable to talk for many reasons. Understanding why they are behaving this way will probably help you both, and maybe just sharing how this is making you feel sad or angry will be enough to resolve the problem.

For more help in dealing with friends and family please call us on 0845 371 0554 or you can email us ovacome@ovacome.org.uk. You may also find helpful support and suggestions in our forum here.